As I mused for this Monday Musing, I thought a lot about Psalm 81 and my past. I prayed, “Why then, even though I know about the gospel of Jesus, can I feel so distant from you Lord? Why can I feel empty, tired, and hungry for more? Why can I feel so up and down? Why can’t I just be a perfect Christian? Lord, It’s hard to cope with these feelings after the many amazing messages, talks, and blessings you have provided on my journey with you. Even though I can feel so close to you now, I fear the next “season” of distance. Am I doing something wrong? Am I good enough?

Lord God, what the heck do I do?”

This weekend, I am remembering my first time at Crossroads, as students all over the state head down to Southern California for this annual conference. If you are unfamiliar with Crossroads, it is a chance for students to hear from speakers and learn how to navigate post-college life in a way that glorifies God.

Let’s throw it back to senior year of high school:

I had just gotten home from the first day of high school swimming championships. It was after midnight and I was exhausted. I had finished an AP test that morning, and had another one in 8 hours. I was starving, caked in chlorine, and ready to hibernate. Wanting to get to bed ASAP, I did what any other rational person would do: grabbed 2 frozen Eggo waffles and jumped in the shower with them (no no I didn’t let them get wet, what kind of caveperson do you think I am??)

3 minutes later I was in bed. That, my friends, was what I considered the peak of efficient behavior, and I was crushing it.

The Republic of Georgia 7:00 am

I knew this was going to be a long day as my stomach began to growl. The house was quiet, and I knew my team was still asleep. It was snowing outside, and we couldn’t leave without an escort, I knew that this day was going to be different.

I cannot believe that this week, we will already be in November. At the beginning of this semester, I remember saying in discipleship that I had very few expectations for what my last year at Cal would look like. But, you guys, God is so full of surprises. This semester has been radical for me, and I have experienced Jesus in new ways that I never could have imagined. I think a large part of this transformation, however, has come as a result of the practice of regular confession.